Can't stand this place.
How can a world that is full of so much color, beauty, and amazing people seem so bleak, dark, and dreary?
Maybe I haven't been getting enough sleep... Maybe I need a change of pace... Maybe it's just the stress of leaving the student life after 21 years and heading into the unknown.
A question I have yet to find an answer to after so many years of wondering:
What kind of path should I choose to take in this world?
I have no direction right now, no course of action. I don't even see my options right now, my mind feels foggy every time I try. I feel overwhelming stress, but I don't know why. I have a grip on school for once, but not an ounce of satisfaction to show for it.
How do I even know that the things I've already chosen to believe and the paths I've already chosen to follow are right?
My greatest fear is to live a mediocre life. The ultimate irony is that this fear is the biggest obstacle to living a life greater than mediocrity.
Why do I feel no passion right now?
A life without passion is a pointless life indeed. Maybe I should consider a change.
I'm trying my hardest right now, and I can't even come up with any dreams I have for the future. I am 100% cynical in this moment. All I can see and feel is the dark, sick, and sad world that surrounds us. Pain, suffering, sadness, depression, tragedy, disappointment, failure, etc. I feel no optimism, I see no hope for change. I see everything that I or anyone else does as pointless and simply wasting time. I see no purpose whatsoever.
I hate it when I feel this way. I've gotta figure out how to get out of this rut. Depression is a serious condition, and until I can get free of it, I cannot trust myself to make judgments or decisions.
It's almost funny how much better I do in school, how much healthier I eat, and how much money I save when I'm in a full-blown major depression. When you're 100% cynical, all decisions are logical and made for a reason. Emotions are stored away, causing a delayed , drawn-out emotional reaction to anything. You don't smile anymore, there's no reason to. Everything is dark and dreary.
"I see a red door and I want it painted black. No colors anymore, I want them to turn black." ~Paint it Black - Rolling Stones
posted by Ryan Adams @ 2:15 PM
1 Comments
1 Comments:
Well, after soul searching for a while, if you still can't seem to find anything, just wait until you start your job. If nothing else, you'll eventually have goals come clear to you about your job and company (do you want to climb the management ladder? become a PE/head engineer? go back to school? become a professor?). Perhaps you'll even learn thing about your company that makes you want to strike out in a new directions. Maybe you'll get a great idea and want to make your own company from it.
It just takes a little time and a little getting your feet wet. I know you'll argue with me, but working is going to be a little bit different than you're going to expect it to. Maybe it'll be hte same overall, but there will be nuances you didn't see coming.
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